Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
3pm strippers are depressing
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
Randomize
