talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Randomize
