i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
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