I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
