If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
