my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
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