I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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