I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
