I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
