I'm pants shitting drunk right now
you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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