Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
