I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Randomize
