He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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