he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
