Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
