Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
