genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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