It's a beautiful day for a hangover
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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