i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
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