you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
