I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Randomize
