Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
