why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
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