Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
