I'm going to rape someone's good day.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize