my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
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