if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
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