guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize