i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
MIDGETS
????
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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