i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
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