take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize
