my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
