i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
