at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Randomize
