You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
im having a threesome with these popsicles
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
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