Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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