I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
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