why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
