So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Randomize
