i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
