3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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