Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
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