he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
