At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Randomize
