Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
