This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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