apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
