I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
