Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
