I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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