Im at strip club and am horny
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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