i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Randomize
