Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I skipped work to stalk him.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
