Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
