I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Randomize
