those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
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