so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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