Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
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