ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Randomize
