Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
