even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize