The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Randomize
