There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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