I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize