and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Randomize
