literally had 100 drinks last night.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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