Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Randomize
