so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Randomize
