I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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