I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
