My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
We left an ass print on the piano.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
