just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
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