So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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