Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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