The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
